Life without you…

hello-pictureHello again my dear friends. It has been many days, weeks, months, it feels like years even, since I’ve been able to visit. I have not gone a single day with out wishing that I were back in the cozy comfort of this blog. So many moments, topics, thoughts to share over this past year. I don’t even know quite where to begin. Instead of boring you with a recap I figure we’ll just jump right into the thoughts of the day.

My son is asleep, finally, and I just keep thinking about every snuggle and every kiss I’ve given him. He turned a year old on November 4th and it was the most joyous and heartbreaking days of my life. The day he turned from baby to toddler. He is walking and climbing. He eats like a grown man some days and all he really wants is his family by his side. This little dude has turned into quite the ladies man as he flirts and blushes at every woman or girl that crosses his path. I am blessed beyond belief at this little being my husband and I created.

My daughter is growing more and more. She has turned into quite the young lady with her own interests, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. She amazes me everyday with her creativity and athleticism. Not sure where she inherited all of these amazing qualities but I am in awe of her everyday and can not wait to see where the roads beneath her feet lead.

My husband and I have been doing very well. New jobs, new adventures. They can be trying and exciting times. I think we’ve gotten closer just within the last few months because of life being turned upside down. I could not ask for a better friend, love, or father to our children. Truly.

Speaking of life being turned on it’s head. For awhile I didn’t have insurance. We were in this weird limbo as my husband started his new job and I stopped mine to be with the kids. I figured it would be a nice change going back to MDI. I mean I had done it for so long and really mastered it, as much as one can anyway, it didn’t seem like a scary thought is the point. I thought everything was going well until my latest endocrinologist appointment where she showed a lot of worry. She was concerned that my body just wasn’t reacting right to the “cheaper” long acting insulin and urged me to get back all of my devices. My a1c was high. Not drastic but higher than it had been in quite some time. She was worried about protein the urine, though my thyroid was perfect, my vitamin D was nonexistent. Coupled with any good results were bad results that I just didn’t want to hear. All I could think was that I could have, should have, been doing better. I knew where and when I’d “gone wrong” and felt like I only had myself to blame. She was very caring and encouraged me to keep up the good work and that she was confident that I would be back to good news all around come our next visit.

I cried. A lot.

The same thought swirled through my head.

I’m not doing this on purpose. Maybe I did need those gadgets more than I wanted to believe I did. Insurance finally kicked in and the funds were available so I could get back on track. Today I received my first shipment of pods in a very long time. Next month I am back on my Dexcom and all will be right again. Crossing my fingers and toes.

The hashtag #iwishpeopleknewthatdiabetes circles the twitter world a lot. I have used it quite a bit myself. All very thoughtful and emotionally hitting comments from myself and others in the diabetes online community but only one really sticks to the gut.

#Iwishpeopleknewthatdiabetes is hard.

It’s draining. It’s emotional. It’s raw. It bleeds. It sucks the life right out of you even when you think you are doing everything right. Even when you know you could be doing better. It hurts. Not just physically, or emotionally. It hurts your very soul sometimes, your pride maybe, to feel so helpless when you want to feel so strong. I go through my days smiling and all I want to do is cry because I know with diabetes my very best still wont be good enough. The complications will come. The time frame on that is up to you and your care but at the end of the day diabetes is one big ball of depressing junk.

That’s what I really wish people knew about this disease. THAT. And the fact that just because some of that rant may be true for me, or you, or them, it’s not keeping us down. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Look forward to speaking with you all again soon.

Just keep smiling…

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