Please excuse my very grouchy language in the title but it’s the truth. I’m not writing this to be negative, just honest. At the end of a very long and stressful day or even a fantastic one… diabetes will always suck.
I have had many days where my blood sugars are stable and I am a bolus queen. But most days aren’t like that. Most days I encounter high numbers here and there or numbers so low I can’t think. What makes it even more annoying is that these highs/lows always seem to happen at the most inconvenient of times.
When both kids are cranky or I need to feed my son because he’s screaming his head off. I can’t give either one of them my full attention because I’m about to pass out from a blood sugar reading of 45 or lower. I can’t function. I can’t even remember my name but I have to suck it up and fix the situation. It’s stressful.
Or how about when I’m trying to drive to work, or a doctors appointment, but then I have to pull over to fix a low blood sugar or else I could be putting myself and others in danger. I’ve had to sit in the car for almost 20 minutes waiting for my numbers to stabilize. It’s frustrating.
Sometimes my blood sugar gets high and I have to stop playing with my daughter, or stop making dinner, so I can give myself insulin or I could again be putting myself or others in a possibly dangerous situation.
A few days ago my pump decided to crash out on me in the middle of my shift at work. My numbers were so high I felt sick. My head was pounding, my mouth was dry, and every time I took a step I felt dizzy, I couldn’t see straight. No matter what I did I kept creeping higher and higher until eventually I had to leave early. It was upsetting to me because I try very hard not to let diabetes get the best of me or interrupt my daily routines but sometimes it does and I just have to deal with it.
These might seem like no big deal to some people but when you are trying all that you can to take care of yourself and you still end up feeling helpless in certain situations, because your body is fighting against you, it can be overwhelming.
The reality is that with diabetes there’s no time off, no vacation away, no 20 seconds of freedom. Diabetes is 24/7 and it just sucks.
I try to stay positive with everything because these were the cards I was dealt but it’s become very difficult with the new baby to care for diabetes like I used to. Diabetes is needy and uncaring. I’m hoping to get back into a rhythm with it but so far it’s just been an overall mess.
It doesn’t help that no one can really tell when you’re struggling with this disease because you can’t see it. I may look fine on the outside but I’m battling a monster inside. That’s what this disease is no matter how you look at it. A monster. Every one handles their diabetes differently, I try not to make a big deal out of my struggles but sometimes it is a big deal.
I’m in a bit of a diabetes funk if you couldn’t tell but I know tomorrow is a new day and it will be better. It just has to be.
I’m still smiling and I hope you are, too.