Anxieties.

I am now 20 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy. It’s amazing. I am now at the halfway point with about 137 more days to go. I am so excited to meet this little guy. Last night he was so super active and I loved it. Because every time he wiggles and bounces around I know he’s okay in there. It’s early still and so the flutters/kicks are really going to be rearing up here soon. Then I will be able to tell he’s okay every day.

That’s one thing I am always so nervous about. What’s going on in there? Is he okay? Why didn’t he move? The ultrasounds are a blessing because then I get to see him in there. Waving and dancing. With diabetes on board it makes pregnancy so stressful, I can’t say that enough. The other day I had a horrible time chasing those blood sugars down. I had changed my insulin pod in the morning but by the afternoon my numbers were creeping up, slow at first, then quicker. The adhesive around the pod had come up and even though I thought it was all salvageable apparently the cannula/needle had already popped out of my skin a bit.

So, in the middle of work, with blood sugars in the 300’s, I had to rip out my site.

And this is what I found…

That little thing was all sorts of mangled up and couldn’t do it’s job properly. I injected and hoped for the best. Later on that night I was able to put a new pod on but the roller coaster had begun. All night I battled highs and lows. I couldn’t find a rhythm. I woke in the morning to a blood sugar reading of 190. My dexcom screen looked horrific. Yellow all across the board, highs, numbers all out of range. I cried. I held my tummy and cried. I know that for the most part my numbers have been amazing. Astonishingly amazing. I have busted my butt every single day for numbers that will do as little harm to his development as possible but when I looked at the screen all I saw was failure. I had failed him and myself.

After a few hours of constant monitoring and boluses I was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My numbers were back in range and I was able to breath a sigh of relief. These days are few and far between but when they happen all I can think about is all the negative the doctors put into your head. My team is awesome, they are encouraging, and on top of everything but I can read between the lines. I know what needs to be done and what could happen if it isn’t done right. So far this little guy is growing healthy and strong with no complications and I plan to do everything within my power to keep it that way. I plan to go above and beyond to ensure that he comes out perfect.

I am counting down the days till I get to hold him, and kiss him, and shower him with love.

But mostly, right now, I am counting down the days until my broken pancreas will no longer be affecting him.

Here’s a picture of us during the fourth of July festivities this week. He didn’t care for fireworks too much. :)

 

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4 Comments

  1. Someday I’m going to write the blogpost that will make all of you modern moms-to-be realize what a great job you are doing. I had my two sons in the days before home blood glucose testing. I remember drinking tons of water before OB appointments so that the Diastix urine strip wouldn’t turn dark brown. There were some rocky times at the birth of my jumbo babies, but both are healthy adults with children of their own. I was incredibly lucky and I give prayers of thanks for my good fortune.
    You are doing a fabulous job and your baby is thriving. What a lucky child he is to have such a wonderful mother. There is never perfect with diabetes. Listen to your doctors, do your best, and don’t let diabetes fear ruin this wonderful time of your life:-)

    • Thank you for leaving this comment. It’s possibly the best one I’ve received in regards to my pregnancy. I hadn’t thought about pregnancies with diabetes when these tools and devices weren’t around. I’d very much like to read that blog post of what you went through with your pregnancies. I appreciate your kind words. They put my heart at ease a little. Thank you.

  2. Aww, I’m sorry you had such a bad day! I’ve had a few of those this pregnancy and it sure is scary but your diabetes care is amazing so I don’t think you need to sweat one or two bad days, I know easier said than done! I almost took myself to the hospital when I had a 300 haha, not dramatic at all right?

    Your bump is so cute!! Have people tried touching it? I’ve had a few people try to touch mine and its kind of freaky haha

    • There’s just so much riding on “perfect” diabetes management that it’s difficult not to stress out on every little thing. I would have taken myself to the ER. Because it’s better to be safe than sorry. Hopefully your diabetes has been treating you well.

      Thank you. My bump is getting very big and yes, people love to try and touch it. I had one coworker try to rub it the entire time she was talking to me. I kept stepping backwards, more and more, before I was finally up against a wall. I smiled and asked if she could please stop. She looked at me all offended which is always the funniest part. You are trying to touch my body but I’m the monster for asking you to stop. Haha.

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