Ramblings from the heart.

Within this last week I have had quite a few doctors appointments. I had to see the endocrinologist who informed me of a very serious vitamin D deficiency. I am now taking a supplement. We moved on to the A1c, it’s up a bit but that’s to be expected with the pump transition. She was upset to hear that I hadn’t had much contact with the CDE. I had emailed her quite a few times with no response, diabetes waits for no one, so I just started figuring things out on my own.

No big deal.

She congratulated me for getting my cholesterol down 15 points. I was surprised. A few changes here and there to my diet really did the trick. Hoping to see more improvement when I see her again. I’ll do anything I have to do as long as I can stay off pills/extra medication. I also had to get an ultrasound done of my thyroid to make sure there’s no funny business. Frustrating. You get three steps ahead and then you’re pushed back five. She wants to see me in April which is a month early. My next visit shouldn’t be until May but she wants to keep a very close eye on me.

Overall the appointment was alright but I still just wanted to scream. I was so annoyed. Not at her. With myself. With my body..my genetics? Ugh. I don’t even know who to blame.

I am only 26 years old and it feels like I am falling apart. Like the sweater that is my health is constantly coming undone no matter what I do to try and stop or fix it. I had a moment in the car on the way home from the doctors office..all I could think about was how I am just too young to have to be dealing with this…

I just need to vent.

At the end of the day I try very hard to be positive. I try to be optimistic…Some times, however, I should be allowed to scream and shout, and cry, and wonder why I am having to go through this.

It’s too much sometimes. That’s all.

Why am I only 26 and needing visits every 2-3 months? Why am I making myself bleed every time I check my sugar or insert a sensor/pod? Why am I having to watch what I eat? Why do I have to worry about this and that? You know how many times my husband has been to the doctors..? A handful of times. He goes once a year for checkups and then he goes every once in awhile because of minor injuries here and there. It’s infuriating.

I’m too young to be worried about vitamin deficiencies. I am too young to have to worry about complications. It’s not just me, it’s you, it’s them. It’s everyone. We are too young to have to be concerned with some of the things that tag along with diabetes. Now, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, today was ten times better. But that day I cried. I cried and I let the emotions overwhelm me. It won’t happen again. Not for awhile. I just needed to vent.

I know that we all go through moments like this. I thought I’d share mine. I will continue to be positive and fight. That’ll never stop. I’ll also continue to smile. My daughter keeps telling me that one day I won’t have to worry about diabetes anymore. She’s going to be a doctor and find a cure. She says she’ll take care of me and I’ll never be sick again. Those very sweet moments melt my heart. She is filled with so much love for me. For every one with diabetes. I know that one day, if she continues down that path, she will find a cure. If she believes, then I believe.

So there you have it. Sometimes I break down but I always pick up the pieces and move forward.

Keep moving forward.

 

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2 Comments

  1. In case a “Hey! Me too!” is at least a little comforting… I’m staring down 25 and approaching my 3rd anniversary with diabetes. I am incredibly D-deficient (taking 4,500 iu per day), potassium deficient and on medication to protect my kidneys because diabetes is vicious.
    I feel like the crap that diabetes puts us through ages us. My husband’s grandmother emails the whole family every time she sees a doctor… she’s knocking on 70 and her appointments and complaints are so minor that I have the urge to send her a note every time I go to the doctor to remind her to be thankful for her help.
    I’m sorry that my comment just turned into a bit of a rant.

    • I appreciate this comment more than you could know. I feel this way when people vent about their ailments. In comparison, sometimes, they never seem that overwhelming. Meanwhile I feel like my body betrays me every single day .. thank you for letting me know that it’s not just me feeling this way. I like knowing some parts of this are “normal” Haha.

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