Ramblings from the heart.

Within this last week I have had quite a few doctors appointments. I had to see the endocrinologist who informed me of a very serious vitamin D deficiency. I am now taking a supplement. We moved on to the A1c, it’s up a bit but that’s to be expected with the pump transition. She was upset to hear that I hadn’t had much contact with the CDE. I had emailed her quite a few times with no response, diabetes waits for no one, so I just started figuring things out on my own.

No big deal.

She congratulated me for getting my cholesterol down 15 points. I was surprised. A few changes here and there to my diet really did the trick. Hoping to see more improvement when I see her again. I’ll do anything I have to do as long as I can stay off pills/extra medication. I also had to get an ultrasound done of my thyroid to make sure there’s no funny business. Frustrating. You get three steps ahead and then you’re pushed back five. She wants to see me in April which is a month early. My next visit shouldn’t be until May but she wants to keep a very close eye on me.

Overall the appointment was alright but I still just wanted to scream. I was so annoyed. Not at her. With myself. With my body..my genetics? Ugh. I don’t even know who to blame.

I am only 26 years old and it feels like I am falling apart. Like the sweater that is my health is constantly coming undone no matter what I do to try and stop or fix it. I had a moment in the car on the way home from the doctors office..all I could think about was how I am just too young to have to be dealing with this…

I just need to vent.

At the end of the day I try very hard to be positive. I try to be optimistic…Some times, however, I should be allowed to scream and shout, and cry, and wonder why I am having to go through this.

It’s too much sometimes. That’s all.

Why am I only 26 and needing visits every 2-3 months? Why am I making myself bleed every time I check my sugar or insert a sensor/pod? Why am I having to watch what I eat? Why do I have to worry about this and that? You know how many times my husband has been to the doctors..? A handful of times. He goes once a year for checkups and then he goes every once in awhile because of minor injuries here and there. It’s infuriating.

I’m too young to be worried about vitamin deficiencies. I am too young to have to worry about complications. It’s not just me, it’s you, it’s them. It’s everyone. We are too young to have to be concerned with some of the things that tag along with diabetes. Now, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, today was ten times better. But that day I cried. I cried and I let the emotions overwhelm me. It won’t happen again. Not for awhile. I just needed to vent.

I know that we all go through moments like this. I thought I’d share mine. I will continue to be positive and fight. That’ll never stop. I’ll also continue to smile. My daughter keeps telling me that one day I won’t have to worry about diabetes anymore. She’s going to be a doctor and find a cure. She says she’ll take care of me and I’ll never be sick again. Those very sweet moments melt my heart. She is filled with so much love for me. For every one with diabetes. I know that one day, if she continues down that path, she will find a cure. If she believes, then I believe.

So there you have it. Sometimes I break down but I always pick up the pieces and move forward.

Keep moving forward.

 

Diabetes is like..

Diabetes-Art-Day-2012-302x400

I saw this picture and loved it!!

It’s like that annoying little hum of a headache that wont go away.

It’s like that ex boyfriend/girlfriend that hangs around..just in case..you know the one.

It’s like that splinter in your finger that you try and try to remove but can’t. So you hope it just pops out on it’s own.

It’s like a paper cut. Enough said, right?

It’s like a bad hair day.

It’s like a rain cloud that hovers over you.

It’s like, well, it’s like the most frustrating thing ever.

But some days it’s also not so bad. Some days it’s a background noise. You know it’s there but it’s not overbearing. Some days the stars align just right and your blood sugar stays between the lines. You eat and there are no spikes, you bolus like a boss, your sugar never drops. Some days you get to go about things like a normal person. Yes, you’re still doing finger sticks, or injections, or whatever it is that you use and everything just seems to be going your way.

Those days really do outweigh the crummy ones.

Like the flower above..something tedious and annoying can make beautiful things. Like the friendships I’ve made through diabetes. Those connections make this disease slightly more bearable.

So like I always say..smile, you’ll find a reason to.

Advocacy defined.

Advocacy is a topic that is often discussed in the Diabetes Online Community.  But what does it really mean to be an advocate?  Can you be one and not even know it?  Let’s go back to our January 15th chat on advocacy and explore the following . . . .

What is your definition of an advocate?

I could give you the textbook definition of what an advocate is. Or, I can tell you straight from the heart what it means to me. I believe it takes a lot of strength and courage to be an advocate of something. There are many discussions about this group and that one and who will advocate for them. I never thought I needed one in concern to my diabetes and I certainly never considered myself to be one. Until I really evaluated what advocacy meant…

It means someone is on your side. Rooting for you, sticking up for you, and encouraging you. People reminding you that they are always in your corner no matter the weather and plan to stay there because they care.

Incredible, right?

Sometimes these advocates, who help you discover your voice in a sea of conversations, are fighting the same battle as you..whatever that may be..and sometimes they are there just because.

When I first joined the Diabetes Online Community I did so because I was looking for individuals who felt the way that I did. Who would support me through every obstacle and cheer me on when I succeed. I found that. And then a beautiful thing happened, I became that beacon of light for someone else.

Not meaning to, not looking for the job, not knowing how or what I was in for..I became an advocate. Speaking up for people with diabetes every chance I am given. It doesn’t have to be on a large spectrum either. It can be debunking diabetes myths rather than letting them continue. Standing up for what you believe to be right. Letting others know about the disease and that the people who live with it every day are human, are more than just numbers, and they are strong.

Maybe you write a blog, maybe you tweet about it, maybe you Facebook it, or vine it, or instagram it..however you get your positive message out there makes YOU an advocate. You don’t have to have a million followers. If you get one person to listen and understand then you are doing your best and that’s what counts.

Believing in all that you do and who you do it for.

That is advocacy. 

 

“This post is my February entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival.  If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information athttp://diabetescaf.org/2014/02/february-dsma-blog-carnival-3/

When old friends meet again.

I wouldn’t really call us friends. I’ve always needed you more than you needed me.

I’m not talking about another person either. I’m talking about shots. Syringes and insulin vials. We met eight years ago in January and then I made the switch over to an insulin pump November of 2013. This new relationship has been going well. So I thought. Until I had three pods fail/deactivate themselves while in use.

THREE pods in two weeks.

Color me frustrated.

So MDI was back in the picture for about a day and a half. Usually catching up with an old friend is nice. However, this meeting was far from nice. Here’s the back story: A few days ago I woke up to do a pod change. Everything went smoothly. I went through each step, as I always do, paying meticulous attention to every single detail. This would be my last pod change until my order shipped. Which was a whole fiasco in itself because I needed new authorization from insurance and then my address change threw things off even though I had submitted that weeks before my move.

The pod went on properly and like normal I started my pump up. About an hour later something went wrong and the darn thing decided to deactivate itself. I was out running errands when this happened so I was a bit frantic. My last pod, filled to the max with insulin, and it decides to stop. Thankfully I had a few syringes on me and the vial I had just pulled from. I panicked internally but kept a smiling face. Was I going to have to give myself shots all day?

I called the Omnipod reps to see what the hold up was and what they suggested in the meantime. They confirmed shipment, finally, and put a rush order on it. I had to work that night so I was even more upset.

I called my team leader to inform them of the situation. That I would be checking my dexcom quite a bit and would possibly need to leave the floor once in a while to inject insulin. They were all very understanding. I won’t even get into the emotional stress I caused myself worrying about work and the inconvenience I felt I was putting on everyone because of all this. I teared up in the car before starting my shift. I hated having to explain to everyone why I was a bit “off” why my eyes looked glazed over or why I needed to shove that kitkat in my mouth like a crazed lunatic.

Overall the night went better than I had expected. I hovered in the 150’s-160’s, with occasional drops below 60 here and there, but every break I would test and inject a few units to make sure I stood below 200. The next day I worked again and worried that I would have to do the same thing all over again. The most frustrating part is that I couldn’t get a handle on it I was either sky rocketing or dropping below 50. Had I forgotten how to “old school” bolus already?

About an hour before I had to leave for work my pods showed up. I literally jumped for joy. I never thought I’d be that ecstatic to have robot parts again. So far so good. This pod has been on for two days now and seems to be working just fine. Blood sugar is back to normal. Which is great considering I have blood work tomorrow.

Needless to say it has been one stressful week. I will say this though, the Omnipod representatives/customer service is amazing. They are replacing the pods that malfunctioned and we also chatted about rotating sites and which areas work best for some people. They are just exquisite at making you feel comfortable.

I made it out alive but I am hoping to not have to deal with this much chaos for awhile.

What I learned from all of this is that some things are not guaranteed. Technology malfunctions no matter how awesome it is and we just have to roll with the punches. It all worked out in the end and that’s what matters. Now I know to always be prepared and to have a plan a, b, c, and d. Just in case.

Don’t forget to smile. I know you’ll find a reason to.

How has your week/weekend been?

A dream is a wish your heart makes..

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced.

–John Keats

My darling and I on an elephant!

We're the two cuties right up front. :)

We’re the two cuties right up front. :)

I’ve never been on an elephant.

Have you?

I felt like the queen of the world.

It was the most amazing experience of my life. While I sat on that ginormous, spectacular animal, giggling like a child with my daughter I forgot about being diabetic. I forgot about the pod attached to my lower hip and the sensor awkwardly bulging from my pant leg. I was on top of the world and feeling so free.

My daughter waved and laughed and for a moment we were on the same level. This was a first for the both of us. A first on an elephant and a first circus adventure. I’ll never forget this moment and I hope she doesn’t either.

That wasn’t on my bucket list but it should have been.

Smile, there’s always a reason to.

Forget me not.

I’m still here.

The reason for my very long absence..it feels like an eternity to me..is life.

It got a little hectic. I moved on February 1st. I think I mentioned a few posts back about that being an upcoming adventure. That very same day I found out I would not be able to get cable/internet turned on for a bit because of previous tenants. (We live in a town home)  They finally came out to fix/set everything up yesterday. When I got home from work I was way too tired to sit down and form sentences, coherent ones anyway, so I waited. But I’m here now. Did ya miss me?

I’ve been missing all of you. I feel so disconnected from my diabetic family.

Here’s a manic Monday update for ya.

Aside from moving there has been quite a bit of chaos. There was a cat in the wall, discovered Saturday night, behind the toilet in the master bath. After pulling the access panel we saw a very scared kitty. No one has a clue as to how this cat got in the wall but my husband and I tried our darnedest to get the poor thing out. I almost succeeded but as you can imagine the cat was leery. Tuesday morning animal control was knocking at my door with a trap and stinky food in hand to help lure her out. (I don’t know if it was a he or a she but it was just so darn beautiful) I felt bad for the kitty. Who knows how long it had actually been trapped back there. I hope they are able to find her a home. She was very sweet.

Now that we are very settled in and the cat is out of the bag..er..wall I can go back to stressing about the normal things. Which is basically everything.

Work has been going very well. I got a 90 day review already and apparently I am shining bright. They like my eagerness to learn and how hard working I am. I was very proud to hear all the good things that were said by my team leaders. It’s also nice discovering the people who actually know a bit about diabetes. They don’t act all sorts of awkward when they see my “robot” tools. Or hear random spots on my body beep and click. I actually like when they tell me that “so and so” in their life has diabetes and that they live very happy lives. I like getting to explain what this sensor does or what this pod does for me physically and emotionally.

The cool part is they all seem very interested.

My diabetes has been behaving. Had my first pod failure the other day which was quite frustrating but I suppose that is bound to happen once in a while with technology. I have so many appointments coming up this month. I get to see my PCP, my Endo, and the CDE. Should be lots of fun. (I hope you felt the sarcasm oozing from that sentence)

I’ve been so busy with everything that I’ve felt like I haven’t even had a chance to breathe. That’s life though. Twists and turns keeping me on my toes.

As always, don’t forget to smile. There’s always a reason to.

(Also, I apologize if this post seems a little jumbled together. A few of you have emailed me about where I have been and what’s been going on so I wanted to get some kind of update out there for now. Better posts to come, I promise. PLUS..right in the middle of writing this post I needed to rush my little house kitty to the vet because of blood in his litter box. Turns out he has a UTI. He’s now on antibiotics and pain medication. Send happy, healthy, kitty thoughts to Gus the cat. Please and thank you)